there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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