my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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