bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
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