how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
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