I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Randomize
