If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
last night I used snow as a chaser
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
