Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
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