I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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