My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Randomize