I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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