is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
