I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
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