shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Randomize
