The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
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