Just fell off a train. Bad.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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