the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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