my vag is so smooth its legendary
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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