to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
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