Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
You're breaking my sexual little heart
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
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