Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
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