So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
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