No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
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