I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
