Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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