i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
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