Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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