We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
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