even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
you have to choose: penises or morals?
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
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