I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
I was not drunk enough for that final.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
