im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
