Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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