got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Randomize
