I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
