I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
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