Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Randomize