I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
