who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize
