the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
