i think i have two assholes
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
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