Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
