he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
