My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
