If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
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