hotel room ftw
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
