This phone does not accept mass texts. Try again.
I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
