everyone is single if you try hard enough
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Randomize
