I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
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