Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
