If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Shame - the story of my life.
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