really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Randomize
