I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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