Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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