You just made me feel so damn special
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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